#140 Self-Sabotage: How To Stop It w/ Dr. Towanna Burrous

Are you tired of getting in your own way, frustrated with the biggest mountain you have to climb each day being your own mind, sick of making commitments that you honestly have not really kept, only because you have psyched your own self out of it? It was a crucial moment in my journey as a visionary and entrepreneur that I had to realize that no one and nothing was actually getting in my way except for myself, and when I came to that realization and was able to process and work through this, I became a much more confident, consistent and creative individual. So if you're like me and you wanted to finally get over yourself, you're going to want to listen to this past conversation that I had with Dr Tawanna Burroughs. She is the founder and leader of the Coach Diversity Institute. She is a master coach and one of the most brilliant women I've ever met in my life, and she breaks this thing down in a way that I think can be very helpful to all us visionaries out there.

Enjoy. Is this a legitimate thing? Is it possible for us to get in our own ways? What does that really look like and can you put it into words, where it sounds kind of cliche, the way I'm saying it now, but what does it really look like when you're getting in your own way as far as mentally or any other way?

Yeah. So, first of all, thank you for having me. I think it's awesome and you're doing great work and I'm so proud of you. So let me tell you, this is common, especially when we don't consider what does it mean to have things that get in your way that you control and that you don't control? Okay, so there are some things that will naturally happen, that we have to navigate around or create a way through, and what happens is that we get fearful of many things, many variables that get in the way. Some others think if I do this, do I have the time, the level of difficulty? But, as you know, being from the space of coaching, you know that fear is a constant companion and getting in our way has a root of fear. So it is. What are you considering in the moment while you're looking through your goals and or whatever it is that you want to accomplish? What is getting in the way has everything to do with your perception of your ability to be able to deliver to the goal.

Yeah, it's your ability, how you feel you are capable of moving forward.

Yeah, and do you allow the self-talk that will tell you you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not brave enough, whatever that may be right, not now, maybe later all the things that we tell ourselves and then all the things that other people tell us, that co-sign on what we tell ourselves. So then other people start agreeing with you and then you say, see, told you I knew it wasn't the right time. Or see, told you I knew I wasn't smart enough or good enough. But here's the other thing you can have a number of people around you cheering you on, helping you to stay motivated, but until you come to agreement with yourself, knowing that you can be afraid for a period of time. But how long are you going to allow that fear to keep you from what you want to do? How long are you going to allow it to hold you hostage? Because it literally is, it's literally tying you up and keeping you from believing and assigning your will to the desired outcome. How much will do you have to get it done? If you ask yourself that question, how much will do I have to make this happen? How much faith and belief do I have to make this happen? Once you check yourself on that answer. Then you know how comfortable you are or how ready you are. So getting in your own way is a question that you must ask yourself, and coaching, of course, as you know, helps clients to see their level of will that they're willing to assign to any outcome.

So how does someone go about that? Let's say they listening to this episode right now and they don't have a coach yet, even though of course they could talk to me. But let's say, okay, how do I find out how much will I have towards something? How do I know? I think I have the will.

Yeah. So some of the basic questions is on the scale of one to 10, how committed are you to push through the sphere to accomplish the goal? And if you say, oh, we asked five, if you're self-talking, if you want to self-talk your way through it, you can ask yourself how much time do you want to allow yourself to be in this state of fear before you are able to accomplish the goal? How big is this fear? Is it so big you can't, you can't move? Is it so big that you just need time to work through? Or is it so big you know that you can literally just kick it out of the way within 48 hours or 12 hours? You know what I mean. So it's measuring what it is that you want to do Now. So these are questions you can easily ask yourself, and the thing is is that we typically tell ourselves the truth. I am afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough. I'm afraid that I that now is not the right time, I'm afraid that other people will think I'm selfish or that other people will not like my decision right. So, whatever those things are, you must have an honest conversation with yourself so that you're able to process that the truth and overcome and work through.

And for the person that knows that. So, like they've gone through the first step, they're aware that some type of fear or some type of something mentally is keeping them back, that barrier, they address it. And, okay, they address what is my will to get past this. And they determined that. What do you give for the person that's just frustrated with themselves for just remaining stuck for that period of time Because it's like you have to get over the frustration type of, first with yourself?

So that's interesting, because when you have taken too long to make a decision, when you have decided that my indecision is actually a decision, my literally my desire for desire to not do anything is stronger than my desire to do something, and the fact that I'm frustrated that I allow so much time to pass, although I can look at where I could be or would be if I had not, if I hadn't wasted so much time. So the frustration comes in because you're regretting, right? So how can you be gentle with yourself and say you know what? I tell the truth I did waste too much time, I was afraid for too long, I did allow other people to convince me that this wasn't the right time, though I, in my gut, I felt that it was, and so I ignored myself of listening to others. When you are frustrated because of those those things, then you must ask yourself the follow up questions, which is the to consider. You know, be gentle with yourself. You. You didn't have the right information that you have now. You are better than you were before, or you can create new opportunity because you are more self aware. So, again, it's being honest with yourself and being gracious with yourself to say it's okay, today is a new day. Let's figure out what the plan is today and how do I need to surround myself, what do I need and who I need around me that's going to help motivate me, keep me focused or keep me accountable, so I don't procrastinate or get off track or get off track.

Now I want to get into the concept of something that I learned greatly from you, which is empowering and disempowering beliefs, and that could be a lot of the root of our stagnation or our lack of doing something. How do people go about identifying those things and then reversing them into fuel to move forward?

Right. So I think you know one thing that's important to state that there are some disempowering beliefs that serve us.

Right, yeah.

So sometimes I need to be in chaos or feel bad in order for me to have enough energy to say I'm going to prove people wrong. So I feel bad, but I'm going to prove people wrong. So that's a lot of this disempowering beliefs wraps up into some motivation. So some people need messiness, some people need chaos, as you know, in order for people to advance forward. Because it's almost like an identifier that craziness is a normal, your state of mind believing that you can't or believing that it's not possible. Sometimes you have had that disempowerment to have awareness or recognition, to be empowered, because when someone says you're not good enough, is that my belief and or is it just your belief? Well, if I believe that you think I'm not good enough, and I believe that already myself, I have two options Am I going to listen to the other person and we're going to listen to myself, and how am I willing to push through it? So it's important that empowering belief is letting you know you are good enough that you can do it, that the situation in circumstance may look a little chaotic or bad or frustrating. However, there is another opportunity here that you can go around it or you can go through it. Some people say, go over it, it doesn't matter, go under it, but the point is that you're not going to allow it to get in your way. So how do you flip it? You first having that self-awareness. Some people don't realize sometimes they are disempowering themselves. Some people believe sometimes it's just chit chat. You're like, oh well, I've been told that I haven't been good enough and I've believed in my whole life. Well, all of a sudden then someone reaffirms you or supports you in a way that you've never been supported before. And then you realize Wait a minute, I am talented, I am gifted. Therefore I can right. But that's self-awareness. So the way to turn it is become more self-aware. Know who you are, know how you speak to yourself, know how you support yourself, know who is in your circles of influence that contribute to the way you think about yourself, so that you can change those things if you desire to.

Do you think a lot of those beliefs about ourselves come from? Well, I'm assuming that they come from past experiences, because sometimes I hear some people and they literally mean nothing by it. It's not like they're talking, they are talking down to themselves, but it's so innocent and it's so natural and sometimes it's the humble card, you know, it's just like well, you know, I know I'm not that great, but I just want to do this. And it's like no, stop, stop saying that you're not that great and just moving. Just move forward with the belief that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish. I don't know sometimes, where. That it's almost like a qualifying belief, like if I fail, this is I'm going to just justify it by putting this negativity out there a little bit. And I just wonder, man, how do we kind of stop doing those qualifying statements of our possible doom or failure?

But you know, what's interesting, clivon, is that you know that we inherit some of our belief systems, right? Some we create on our own journey of life, but others are handed down to us from families, society. You know, at birth we kind of grow into a disempowering belief because we're told things and then we believe those things. So you may not be responsible for what you say to yourself and what you've heard, because it was always told to you. And so a disempowering belief or some type of negative self-talk or limiting self-talk will sometimes say to people, let's say, in a community of people who've never made more than middle class or above as far as economic levels, right, so let's say they've always been, you know, at or below primary level. They don't have a visual, they've never seen anything in their family. You know what ever have aspired beyond that current state. And if you don't have that level of influence or visual or anything that's motivating you, someone will tell you at birth you'll never, you'll never have the opportunity, you're not going to have this because the systems don't allow. The system is the system that. So we create this conversation in this narrative that tells us who we are, versus challenging the system or challenging the narrative right. So we are birthed into an unempowering or disempowering belief, and or we create it and we enforce it based on experience.

And I'm just trying to think of that. That narrative is so ingrained into who we are as an individual that, like most of the time, you don't even realize that you're in it. I'm trying to figure out how, how you know what's beyond. I guess I don't know. Is it exposure? Is it?

Well, it starts with the question that sounds similar to this how true is, how true is that what you're saying to yourself? How true is it? And where? Where did it? Where did that come from? Who told you that? Where did that thought come from? Where did it originate? And how true is it? Because I can think of other people in society or other people in your family who have so what's, what is it that they said that's different from you, or what did they experience? So it's beginning to process it by bit, piece by piece, what we tell ourselves, Because you can ask yourself a number of questions or you can get you know people who are qualified to help coach you through things. Like you know, as you know, Cleveland, when you work with your clients, it's important that you first break out those details. Like, let's reassign a new, new thought process when it comes to that, limiting those limited thoughts. Right, Like if they said you can't do something, give me evidence that you can give evidence that you can, Because it's so far, the only thing I've you provided is just words. That said, you aren't good enough. And I need to know, based on everything I know about you, that I believe that's not true, but do you believe that's not true? And if you can provide evidence that it is true that you're not good enough, then I'll stop asking questions or I'll leave you alone. So tell me why you're not good enough.

And maybe we could do that to ourselves too. Wow, like, why do I think I'm not good enough? What evidence do I have to prove this assumption I'm making of myself?

Right, right, yeah, is there some truthfully, without evidence, you can question that thought pattern, you can. Yeah, and you get into a nice conversation with yourself or you get a conversation with some friends and then you go back and forth and realize that wait, I'm telling myself this with for no reason, because of fear, I'm afraid. That's why I say that I I'm I'm afraid that it, what I really want, may not happen. So that means you're not going to try, you're not even going to give it a whack, you know, I mean it's like try it at least once. If you don't get it right doesn't mean you quit. There are too many people that have testimonies and biographies that we read, who have that had had those same thoughts at one point in time of their life and in some ways receive some type of awareness and then they're shifted their paradigm because of that. So there are too many people who have proven that not being good enough or not being something sometimes can be dispelled. That myth can be dispelled.

Yeah, yeah, that actually just recently happened to me. It was this week I was doing, I was being coached which is always great and I was saying these things and the person was like, well, is that like a fact? Like because I was, I was spitting out metrics, metrics, and people are listening and putting up quotation in the air and they're like is that like true factual base or is that an assumption? And I was like well, I'm assuming that those would be the metrics. And they were like well, do you have any proof that that was actually? I was like, no, it's kind of just how I feel. And then, as I kept going through, I was like, yeah, I'm actually making this all up in my head, like these, these are not supported numbers, you're not statistically proven, blah, blah, blah. And I realized, wow, I really just need to make the decision for myself and stop making these assumptions of what might possibly happen, because it's not proven, it's not. I don't have evidence.

You don't have evidence and and you put yourself in a situation where the more you talk it through, the more you help yourself. Right. But at the same time, you know the goodness that comes out of what you just said is that you realize that I am comfortable telling myself that that reality is possible. I'm comfortable with that because it keeps me from doing anything. It keeps me from walking into fear or being courageous or taking a risk. So sometimes we tell ourselves these things to avoid discomfort, because you don't want to try. So when a culture pro is like you just went through, says well, is that a fact or is it an assumption, you say, actually it's an assumption, because I've never. There's nothing that shows me that it's not possible. So are you willing, now that you know that it's not a fact, Are you willing now to go at it just to see what happens? And that's where I was saying how much will do you have within yourself? How much faith and belief do you have within yourself? How much trust do you have within yourself to just go for it and see what happens?

Yeah, it comes right back down to the will. So now that you disproved all that stuff, now it's back to how bad do you want it? Right yeah?

Exactly.

Yeah, and I want to kind of get into so. I asked these questions to some of my audience, whether it was on Instagram or LinkedIn, and I kind of want to present these questions to you to see what's your thoughts. I have my thoughts on it, but I want to see what your thoughts are, and some of these are pretty common ones. I've heard before, but one that really stuck out to me from Lincoln and I say I asked if I could use his name. He said overthinking is the way I get in the way of my own success, processing things too much when it shouldn't really be that big of a deal. What are your thoughts or tools you use to kind of combat overthinking?

Yeah. So that's counting the cost. You're playing all the scenarios out, so if this happens, then that'll happen. That's an outcome. So you're advancing or you're multiplying all the outcomes. So overthinking is making all the assumptions for every possibility, and the more you do that, the more fear you create. So the longer you sit in that state, the more you will talk yourself out of whatever it is you want. Because you're creating those scenarios. You're not having dialogue with anyone else. That is helping you to process your thoughts in an empowering way, because if you already have a disempowerment, a belief that's disempowering about the situation, you can multiply the scenarios, you can overthink it so many times and still end up in the right, in the same outcome, because you're doing it yourself and no one's challenging you to see it differently. So if you and again I process the same way I multiply the opportunities or the options and I look at all the scenarios and then, ok, out of all these things, the one that sounds the best or feels the best is the way I'm going to go. Well, some people don't even do that. Some people just talk themselves through it and they still never take action and they just continue to use the statement of I'm still thinking about it or I'm not sure. And again, there's comfort to telling people I'm not sure, yet I'm still thinking about it, because it gives you an excuse to not to catch him.

Yeah, so do you talk to someone else about it that you trust, do you just not think?

You know that's one you always should think. You should always do it and you should speak to someone outside of yourself. Because if it's your habit to be to constantly process and not take action, then you need someone to break that habit. Because once you get out of that habit or that routine of doing it and doing nothing, having another, someone that you trust to share thoughts with you will get you out of that routine. And so you will then begin to say you know, I processed differently the last time. What did I do successfully before that I can do again this time? Right, because you can have evidence that you know what. I'm over processing this, but I've done this before in the past, or I'm overthinking this, but I literally know the right answer. And the other thing is ask yourself, even if it doesn't work, what's the worst thing that can happen? What's the best thing that can happen and what's something in the middle?

Yeah, that worst case, mid case, best case scenario type thing, right, yeah, okay, that's great. Another one that popped up more than once was self-doubt, and you kind of touched on that a little bit already when we were talking about the imposing fear, that kind of is limiting you. But they were linking the self-doubt to making excuses and lack of motivation. Is there a correlation between those two things, with the self-doubt and then making excuses and lack of motivation? How would you join the two in solving it?

Yeah, so it was making excuses right.

Right.

Yeah. So again, when you're making excuses, what you're doing is finding comfort in your indecision, right, so you're just finding a way to help you be comfortable with the decision you decided with, and most often it's doing nothing, because doing nothing is a comfortable normal that you're familiar with. Doing something outside of that will cause you to potentially experience something that could bring you pain. It could cause you to experience something that could bring you joy, and sometimes people aren't willing to take the risk to explore something for a potential happy future because they're so used to the crazy chaos and the poor normal. The fear of the unknown is better than the state of the known.

Yeah, and I think some of those disempowering beliefs that we said, those assumptions that we make about what our possible success rate could be or how capable we are, just it makes it easier to lay an indecision. Yeah, it makes it more comfortable to just stay where I am. At least you know I won't fail, or at least I won't have to come face that fear.

Yeah, I didn't lose money and I still had to send my money in my pocket. But then there's regret, sometimes Like I didn't. Then I regret that I didn't because everybody else is winning and I'm not. So there's so many scenarios that we put ourselves in and again it all comes down to your fear how long you want to allow yourself to stay in the state of indecision so you keep yourself from a future, a possibility. Some people will prefer not to stretch people like comfort, like their normal, what's what they're familiar with. And you can't. You know you can tell people that, but it's, it's a why not try? But that's when you want to ask you know what's the worst thing that can happen? What's the best ending happen? And if you can land in the middle, what would that look like?

And there's one last one that I think is really interesting for you being a master coach, and this came from Erin. She said being afraid of reaching out to those who can help, who could help me, and you being a coach and me being a coach like having that. I see that a lot like people are afraid to reach out. Maybe they don't want to be judged. I don't know what it is, but that's something hard to do, yeah, but that's just it.

So I have a community of mentees and I tell the mentees this all the time hey, hit me up, let me know how I can help be supportive of anything that you have. That's you got going on. And here's the thing. I can say that a thousand times, but the number one thing that they say in return is I'm not where I need to be, so I'm not calling you because I know, because the assumption is I, the mentor or the person of experience, have a High expectation and so they want to make sure they are good, good before they call me. Well that's not the point of the relationship. The point of the relationship is for you to bring all your good, your bad and your Indifference to the party right, breathe all and I, without judgment, help you filter through all those things right. So the the not reaching out and not connecting with people that you know that can help you. What do you have to lose? What do you have to lose?

Yeah, that's really the question. Yeah, what do you have to lose from reaching out?

like it's just pride. She's gonna think I'm, you know, not good enough. She's gonna think that I'm lazy, she's got it. So here's the thing I know I'm not gonna think that. The point is can you get that stuff out of your head, so, and get out of your way so you can get what you need? I mean, if I'm holding on the other side of a door, I'm holding a bag of money and you don't know I'm holding a bag of money, you, you may not knock on the door, but if I told you there was a bag of money, you'd not. I know it's like, if I know scared, why would I? You know, I don't know what's on the other side of door, I'm scared, I'm not gonna knock in that door. Something might you know be on the other side that I don't you know, then I don't want to meet. Well, that's true, but the point is is that you have to be willing to take the risk. Sometimes I Count the cost and all the other things that come with it, but I think sometimes the idea that will be judged, or the idea that we're not good enough and all those other stuff, it will always be the thing that get in the way, and so I would submit for that listener to Consider that they have nothing to lose by asking for support, because most often people who have successfully completed things they don't have judgments about your aspirations. They really don't, because they've been there done that and they have so much to show for it that it's to your benefit that you just go. Hey, why not? Why not?

Yeah, exactly, I love that. I love that and I love also asking this question with all my guests. And if you've listened to my show, you've heard this a million times, but I think people enjoy and I put it at the beginning, so I'll put it in your bio too, when I introduce you. If you had a billboard that was sponsored by you or close diversity or whatever it is, and you had a message, a short message, that you would want the whole world to see when they drive by this billboard every day, what would that message you would? What would be the message that you would want them to see on the billboard?

Oh, my gosh, there's so many messages Wow, some. My first default thought was to To loot, to literally just put one word as a statement that represents who I am and that's one of my highest values and that's integrity. So one one. If I had just one billboard, I'd probably just have integrity, because I believe that in my space, the value of Integrity speaks volumes to how loyal you are, how committed you are to To doing things with quality and excellence and being supportive, to have community, to always be in truth, to know my truth and the help you support, to support you when you are. Choose without judgment. That's what my billboard was saying. If I can only have that one and then Can I ask answer a second one? Yeah, okay, it's because that's a great question um, I would then probably create a second one that Kind of says something that caught, that's thought-provoking, that still kind of lands or leads to who I am, and that is, wait, that's a good question. Don't, don't ask me questions like that because I have to think about people in a moment. But it's, if what I have, um, if who I am, is what I have and what I have is lost, who am I?

oh, Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You just threw that on me really quick way.

Say that one more time if what I have is who I am and what I have is lost, who am I?

oh, wow.

Yeah and I'm I miss okay, so I'm gonna try to decipher this on the spot. I'm assuming that has something to do with not wrapping yourself up in what Something is, but rather be satisfied with who you already are inside.

That's right. It's the your truth. It's right. Who are you when nothing else exists? Like care, right. Character is gonna show up when nothing else is around. True character, right. So who you truly are should outshine, outlive and Exist in the absence of anything that you have.

Wow, I love that one, I love both of those. Actually, you're just gonna have, like, you have a lot of money, so you got two boards on the same Boulevard, you know.

That was so hard, but yeah, that's.

Those are my two billboards awesome, and this is the build your vision podcast. So I always love to ask this, because everyone I have on this show is in the process, has already built some of their vision, is also still in the process of continually building their vision. What has been the most rewarding part of you building your vision up to this point in your life so far?

Meeting people like you.

Oh.

Yeah, I can tell you that's my honest truth, because I I train change agents. That's who, that's my purpose in life to meet people who are called to something greater than themselves, and I am a facilitator of knowledge to help them to achieve that. And it is my greatest, it is my purpose and and and I get so much fulfillment from it and Literally I there was nothing else I could do. If I couldn't teach change agents in the world, I'd probably just be miserable. So I see my children as change agents, so I'm a teacher for them. But I also see wonderful people that I meet through the work that I do, that I believe are called to me and I'm called to them. So mutually and divinely we connect. And how I've helped, I'm able to help you, for me to pour into you, and the return is you Literally executing on your calling, and that's that's the most important thing to me.

That's amazing and you are incredible at that and just igniting change agents like Anybody that's listening to. I mean, I'm gonna put your contact information in the show notes, how people get in contact with you, check you out on your website on coach diversity, whatever it is. But, man, you got to check out dr Toronto borough. She is amazing and if you want to be a chain change agent in your community in the world, look her up. She is awesome. Thank you so much for coming on to the show. I feel like you're going to change. I know for sure that you're going to change lots of people's tomorrow once they hear this episode and I can't wait to get the feedback from all the knowledge that you just dropped.

Thank you so much for the invite and, to all your listeners, I want you guys to be well.

You can have the biggest support group around you that encourages you and feeds you positivity, but if you cannot control and regulate how you speak to yourself, you will eternally be held back. I hope you understand what Dr Burrows was talking about. Be aware of your self talk and measure your willpower towards your goal. Maybe you don't want it as bad as you think and that's okay. I know that's happened to me a couple of times. I had a couple of careers that I thought was going to go big in and then I realized it's not as important to me as I thought it was. Remember you always have time to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is crucial and as you move forward, identify whether your self talk is fuel, because sometimes those disempowering beliefs can be fuel for you in your drive or is it a fence holding you back? Lastly, ask yourself if your self talk is factual or an assumption. Do you have hard evidence? You know the best way to work through negative or uncertain self talk is by having a conversation with a trustworthy and knowledgeable person that could be a good friend, a colleague or a coach like myself and I'm not just saying this. Like it really does work. Like I said in the show. I had a aha moment when I discussed my thoughts with my coach. My coach asked me the right questions and I answered my own problem, but all I needed was a nudge in the right direction. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode If you did leave it a rating and review in iTunes, but I will talk to you next week. Until then, as always, keep building your vision every single day.